


We've Got a Big Mess On Our Hands

by Taimat



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-13
Updated: 2012-02-13
Packaged: 2017-10-31 02:56:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/339095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taimat/pseuds/Taimat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Roxy has period cramps. There's more than one way to make them better. (For the meme~ Warning for period play.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	We've Got a Big Mess On Our Hands

The first time it happens, you're really starting to regret this whole sobering up for the sake of the team thing. It's a stupid, stupid idea, and you're fully capable of doing the exact same things drunk off your ass as you are sober, and whoever's idea this was needs to be gutted very slowly so they can understand the full extent of your pain, right now.  
  
Because that is damn well what it feels like.  
  
…actually, that had probably been your idea of trying to show off your mature responsibility or what the fuck ever your reasoning had been. Well, no more. You are going to alchemize some brandy or vodka or something with an alcohol percentage higher than five and drink until all of this nonsense is dulled. Why you ever thought you could deal with this otherwise, you have no idea. It's like you'd been drunk when making that decision.  
  
Oh, wait. Yeah, that sounds about right.  
  
But you are going to retract your decision and make up for lost time. You are going to retract it so hard it won't know what hit it. You are going to retract it so hard its head will be spinning and all it can see is little martinis dancing through its vision.  
  
Just as soon as you can move.  
  
You whine a bit and curl up a little more in your position on the floor. It's really hard to stand, right now, and you've all but given up on that particular train of thought. You're hoping that if you just sit here long enough, it will stop hurting and you won't feel quite so much like passing out. The not-fun kind of passing out.  
  
And that's how Dirk finds you. It's testament to his awesomeness or coolness or something that he immediately crosses the room and kneels by you, hands working your knees down from where they're curled in against your chest.  
  
You'd told him about this a long time ago for shits and giggles, trying to garner some kind of entertaining reaction, but he just took it in stride like everything else and had been thoroughly boring about it. Stupid boy.  
  
But you're thinking now that he really isn't so stupid, and you should maybe stop grumbling at him while he shifts you around because he's probably just trying to help, but what is he even doing that--  
  
You sigh the moment his hands press against your abdomen, one hand cupped over his fist, the both of them exerting enough deep pressure that your uterus stops contracting quite so violently. You give out a shuddery moan and let your head drop back onto his shoulder, his heat a very pleasant sensation as it surrounds you from your position in his lap.  
  
"You're like the most swag period nurse ever."  
  
If it's possible to feel someone rolling their eyes, you're sure that's what's going on.  
  
"Don't you look at me like that. That's totally a thing."  
  
"Why on earth do I even put up with you?" And even the rumble of his voice makes you feel better, vibrating down your spine like that. It's kind of amazing.  
  
"Because you're after my hot bod."  
  
"Yeah. Your hot bod that is currently bleeding out its contents in the most unattractive way imaginable, squeezing and clenching like some human tube of toothpaste and causing you a shitton of pain while it does so, like that's going to speed this process up and make it happen within any suitable length of time. Who wouldn't be all over--"  
  
You both freeze at the barely audible squeaking noise.

"Whoever the hell that is, come out with your hands up. Pretty sure eavesdropping's illegal in all fifty states, or at least it should be if you're eavesdropping on this nightmare of a conversation."  
  
"I have no idea what you're talking about, and even if it's illegal somewhere on your planet, the fact that we're floating around in space on a giant rock makes all of that completely null and void." Despite the way his voice is assured, the pale grey of his complexion is an even more pale shade of grey, and while part of you feels a little bit bad for him, the other part finds this really, really funny.  
  
You laugh a little, then groan when Dirk's hands tighten around you again. Goddamn, the boy is good at this.  
  
Karkat looks lost for words again, and concern is written all over his face as his eyes flit over you.  
  
"For fuck's sake, she's not dying. If you're that confused and worried, go ask Rose about it. I am not dealing with this."  
  
The troll curls his lip and growls a little, but his eyes are still looking you over in a way that's definitely confused and worried, because of course Dirk is right. As soon as you think he's out of earshot, you snort.  
  
"You are so mean."  
  
"If nothing else, it'll buy us some time while she explains the entire process in great detail. If we're lucky, they will be so completely disgusted that no one else will come looking and we can figure out a way to solve this that doesn't involve us being connected twenty-four seven."  
  
"Aw, I'm so glad you care!"  
  
He huffs and squeezes a bit tighter in what you're sure is a hug disguised as period aiding shenanigans. He's so sweet.  
  
"Do you think you can walk?"  
  
"I tried that, already. Turned out super well, obvs."  
  
Without another word, he pulls away from you, and you're lifted into his arms before you've really realized what's going on.  
  
"We're at least getting to your room, as much as I want to spend the day sitting on my ass on a metal floor."  
  
You let yourself droop against him, really trying not to curl up again, your hands pressing where his were but not doing nearly as good of a job. Why does he have to be so damn good at everything? You pout, but you're pretty sure he's ignoring you, because he hasn't taken more than one step before you hear what sounds like an oncoming stampede. The hallway seems to shrink, and Jade flies to where you are in what is almost literally no time at all. She's accompanied by what appears to be every being on this asteroid that isn't a consort, and you wonder what the hell they think they're doing.  
  
Which Dirk asks.  
  
"Helping, duh!" Jade is nearly bouncing in excitement. At least, she would be bouncing if her feet touched the floor ever.  
  
"I've got it all under control, and--"  
  
Dirk is cut off by Karkat, who's looking slightly less pale but no less concerned.  
  
"Is she dying or not?"  
  
"Why the hell would she be dying?"  
  
"Things are not supposed to bleed out their organs for a week and live. I still think that this is all an incredibly disturbing and vomit-inducing prank, but if I don't at least pretend to give a shit and someone does die on us, then that would make me an even worse leader than the god of too much wind over there."  
  
While John gives an indignant sort of yelp and shoves at Karkat, Dirk looks over at Rose, who's standing slightly to the side. She does him the courtesy of lifting her hood enough to show her eyes.  
  
"I did try to explain, but since there is nothing their species has that is the equivalent of a human menstrual cycle, you can understand why they might be concerned."  
  
"How do I know there's anything to be concerned about!? She doesn't even look like she's wounded anywhere, and I swear, if this is someone's idea of a joke, I will do my goddamn best to make you all bleed for a week from the sheer force of vengeance I will unleash upon you. You will tremble in terror and in your own self-loathing until all of your stupid pink organs liquify and seep from your--"  
  
"She is not lying, Karkat, if my assurances are of any help to you."

This actually stops him mid-rant, and it's only now that you notice how uncomfortable Kanaya looks. Then you remember that she's some kind of troll vampire, and the possibilities unfolding in your mind sound like something your mother would write if she had been into macabre romance novels.  
  
And then you remember that your mother is Rose, and you really don't want to think about this, anymore. It's just weird.  
  
"So what do we do about it?" Karkat's more prickly and growly than normal, probably because he's worried about things he doesn't understand.  
  
Dirk gives this indulgent sigh that's half exasperation and half amusement. "We alchemize some pain killers and some hot water bottles and then we stop harassing her about it."  
  
"Ugh, you guys!" Jade's ears are twitching, and she throws her hands up like she's tired of the whole lot of you. "All she has to do is masturbate!"  
  
The hallway goes so quiet that you kind of wonder if anyone can hear your insides cramping, but Jade just keeps talking, taking the silence as disbelief that she doesn't know what she's talking about, when it's really more like disbelief that she's talking about it at all. You recall that she was raised by a dog and probably doesn't know that she's maybe making people uncomfortable, and you try not to burst out laughing. A glance at Rose shows that she's trying for the same exact thing.  
  
"I'm serious! Orgasms help the pain go away! I can't be the only person who's noticed that."  
  
"I'm gonna go with the pain killers," Dirk manages to get out after another long pause.  
  
"Boo. I'd rather have sex." You pout from your perch and hope that he doesn't drop you in retaliation.  
  
"Fucking gross, Lalonde." His jaw clenches, and you can't help but push things a little more, because this is way too much fun.  
  
"It's just a little blood! Come on, it's not that bad. You could close your eyes and just pretend that I'm really, really--"  
  
"I am silencing this discussion immediately! We're done here! Everyone move on! I need to go wring my think pan, and I never want to hear about this ever again! There will be no more talk of gross bleeding things or pail filling or interspecies makeouts or--"  
  
"That's not even what I said!" Jade whacks Karkat on the shoulder, and he swats at her like an extremely annoying bird, teeth bared.  
  
"That's not even the point! The point is that we are having nothing more to do with humans and their suicidal biology because Lalonde and Strider seem to have a perfectly acceptable level of control of the situation. You would all be more productive staring at your respective corners of the room, which is not far from your normal level of functionality, anyway."  
  
A slightly ill-looking Karkat is now dutifully trying to push everyone away from you as quickly as he can, some of them looking confused, some concerned, and some in…something akin to awe?  
  
You wink at Gamzee, and his ears twitch a little. He gives you this slow, lazy kind of grin, and you grin back in your best impression of a coy seductress who is also being disemboweled by her own body. You don't even know if that kind of thing works on trolls, but you're willing to give it a shot! Might be fun!  
  
Dirk spins on his heel, apparently taking the long way to your room, and the rest of the crowd goes in the opposite direction, and okay, that could have been a little more interesting, but overall it had been pretty entertaining. You sigh and close your eyes, waiting to get there, and Dirk's arms tighten their hold.  
  
…and he says he doesn't care.  
  
Well, okay, he didn't really say that. He kind of said he did care, but in an insulting way, and, oh, whatever.  
  
The boy nearly kicks your door down, gentleman that he is, and you roll your eyes behind your eyelids. He lays you on your bed carefully, muttering something about alchemizing pain killers and something else and you not moving, and you just snort and wave him off. Where are you going to go?  
  
It hasn't been more than a minute before there's a knock on the door, and that's kind of weird. He just left. Why would he be knocking?  
  
You yell for him to come in, but it isn't Dirk on the other side.  
  
Instead it's broad shoulders, a lankier build, wild hair, and a long, twisting pair of horns.  
  
You laugh. You are so awesome at this.

"Man, you are one smooth operator." You roll your vowels around a bit, and he saunters closer, all long arms and legs, and you feel like you never realized how big he was until now, when he's all the way up there. "I wasn't expecting you to get here so fast!"  
  
"I'm all for helping a sister out. And you looked like you could use some."  
  
His smile is easy, gentle despite the sharp fangs in there, and he curls his frame onto your bed without being invited. Then again, you'd kind of invited him with your winking, so it's all good.  
  
"But didn't you see my big, strong bodyguard? I've got plenty of help." You let your voice fall a little, let yourself flirt with him despite the way you really want to just roll into a ball because it hurts so much.  
  
"Got the feelin' he wasn't gonna help much with that."  
  
You laugh again, and even laughing makes you feel better.  
  
"Psh, you're totally right. Dirk is pretty useless as far as that goes. But if you're interested, then hey, I'm down. You sure your Karkitty won't mind? Isn't he your boyfriend?"  
  
Gamzee shakes his head, then pauses and thinks on it. "Pale bros, me and Karkat."  
  
"Then don't you need to ask him about stuff like this? Is he going to get all grumpy on you?" You're really hoping he's not going to leave, because you're definitely interested now, but Dirk's been talking about getting along and cultural understanding, and except for that one coding thing that happened with Sollux, you've been doing an awesome job. Dirk doesn't know what he's talking about.  
  
"Said he didn't want us up and mentioning it." He laughs, too, and it's a deep, warm sound under his breath. It kind of makes you all shivery.  
  
So you spread your legs a bit, since that's what you both want, anyway.  
  
He doesn't even get to move in closer before he goes flying off the side of the bed, yelping as he hits the ground.  
  
And now it's Strider on your bed, sword drawn, looking every bit his scary, manly self. You'd really appreciate it, if this were a thing you didn't want to happen, but since it is, he's really just ruining it.  
  
"Striderrrrrr."  
  
"Shut the fuck up, Lalonde. I'll handle this."  
  
Ooh, he is angry.  
  
"I invited him, you dick!" You try to kick him, but Dirk will always be too fast for you, and he has one hand around your ankle before you can lift it more than a few inches, all while keeping his eyes on Gamzee, who's busy standing up again. "He wants to help me!"  
  
"I'm helping you."  
  
"But you're not going to have sex with me! That's more fun." You're definitely pouting again, and you don't even care.  
  
"Like I am going to allow the insane murder troll to have a go at you when you can't even walk."  
  
Gamzee's face crumples at that, and now you feel bad. You didn't seduce him with your feminine wiles in order for him to come all the way here and get insulted.  
  
"Pff, you are no fun, mister spoilsport! You are like…the worst babysitter ever!"  
  
"I am the best fucking babysitter. It's me. I'm so amazing, in fact, that if this is what you actually want, then I am going to sit here and make sure he doesn't gut you where you lie. I am that amazing."  
  
You fall silent for a moment, trying to gauge if he's serious or not. But he's still not moving, and you think that maybe he isn't kidding. So you shrug and decide to call his bluff, if it exists. If it does, he'll find some way to extricate himself from the situation. If it doesn't, then you and Strider are about to get so close he's probably going to usurp Janey as your BFFsie.  
  
Either way, you win.  
  
"Fiiine. If that's what you want!"

You lick your lips a little and turn toward Gamzee, asking if he's done this before.  
  
"Not with a girl human. I know you got half the parts, but I've only gotten down with the other half."  
  
"Who the fuck have you been--" Dirk goes silent when Gamzee gives him a lazy grin.  
  
"Kinda wonder how similar you two are."  
  
You know he's not talking about you and Dirk, and you snort from the way Dirk is totally just a little bit flustered.  
  
"Dirk. Dirk, your brother's starred in his very own alien po--"  
  
"Don't. Don't even."  
  
So you spare him and laugh, beckoning Gamzee closer, and Dirk backs off, shaking his head like he's trying to get rid of the images. This leaves Gamzee with enough room to crawl over you, and wow, he doesn't waste time. His hands are up your skirt and pulling down your panties and letting them hit the floor, and you guess it's okay that all you could alchemize so far were pads, because taking out a tampon right now might be kind of a mood killer.  
  
Dirk is studiously not looking at you, his eyes trained on Gamzee, but that's okay. Gamzee's staring at you enough for two people. His tongue kind of flicks between his lips, and it's long and dark and smooth.  
  
You clench and whimper, and he crouches over you like he's not sure what to do.  
  
It surprises you when Dirk leans over and takes one of Gamzee's hands, pressing it to your abdomen.  
  
"Gently."  
  
Gamzee nods like this is the most serious thing he's done all day (and maybe it is) and pushes down.  
  
You moan. Your next breath is a sigh, then a gasp when you feel his fingers searching between your legs.  
  
Eyes open now, you note that Dirk has backed off, again, and though his sword is still tight in his hand, he doesn't look like he's ready to behead Gamzee at any moment. You consider that progress.  
  
One clawed finger dips shallowly into you, and it amazes you that it doesn't scratch, doesn't hurt. He presses down again, and you can feel yourself leaking. It's…well, it's kind of gross, really, and it was like part of you hadn't really thought past this point, because now you don't know what to do.  
  
You consider apologizing until you see the way he's looking at you.  
  
He paints little designs on your thigh in your own blood, eyes wide, and when he presses his finger to you again, you don't stop him. Instead, you moan, because it feels good, and he lets out this sound, this guttural, growling kind of sound. Your hands weave into his hair in encouragement, and you watch his nostrils flare, his eyes brighten in excitement.  
  
Pulling away abruptly, he shucks off his own clothes so fast that your hands are still hanging in the air by the time he's done, and you can hear Dirk settle back into place against the wall, see his sword lowering in the corner of your eye.  
  
Gamzee is…lean, but there's a very different kind of power within him. You know he's dangerous, but he's beautiful and wild and he doesn't seem like he's wanting to hurt you at all, and you're so excited. His dick twists and curls between his legs, and somehow, you expected that. It doesn't surprise you, nor does the slick trace of purple you can see trailing down one of his thighs.  
  
You do surprise yourself.  
  
Your hands go down between your legs, underneath your skirt, your fingers spreading yourself open. You can't explain why, but he gives off another one of those growls again, and it makes you whimper.  
  
He stalks toward you, grinning, eyes nearly glowing with how much he wants you, and you feel as powerful and beautiful as he is.  
  
"So fucking amazing," is the last thing you hear before he's on top of you, and you should probably move your hands, but you kind of don't want to until you absolutely have to.  
  
He isn't complaining, and the way his dick traces around you, up and down between your fingers, makes you whine. You can't seem to find words, right now, but you guess that's okay, since he really can't either.  
  
Thank god Dirk has shut up, too. Is he even still there?

You're about to turn your head to check, but then Gamzee pushes, and you're way, way too busy crying out to do much else. Only when your hands are smashed between the two of you do you remove them, and his eyes follow you hungrily, follow your hands as they come up, and he snatches one of them so he can bring it to his mouth.  
  
Gamzee has the longest tongue you've ever seen, and it wraps round and round your fingers, licking in between and along and all over. You're panting by the time he's done, and he hasn't even started moving inside you.  
  
When he does, you think you might die.  
  
Because he doesn't thrust. He twists and turns and writhes, and it's like the kinkiest massage you've ever had, and you shake and arch beneath him, building up to your peak faster than you thought possible. Sitting back, he can't seem to take his eyes away from where he's joined to you, and you can feel yourself bleeding on him, can feel it dripping down between you. His hand presses against your abdomen again, and it's so good.  
  
You're making soft whimpering noises through your nose, and when your body tightens, you let out a high gasp that makes Gamzee purr.  
  
He slows his movements a little, and you're able to catch your breath, but he doesn't stop. Instead, he curls over you, elbows hitting either side so he can nuzzle against the side of your face, and he's still purring. It reminds you of a very big, very scary cat.  
  
"Any better?"  
  
The part of you that's thinking clearly is almost surprised to note that yeah. Yeah, you are. As you start to relax, you notice that the cramping isn't as bad, like maybe your uterus got all of its cramping out of the way and can finally chill out some, and you let out a contented sigh.  
  
"Fuck yeah."  
  
"Then hold on tight, sister. Gonna make you feel a whole world of good."  
  
And then he's moving in you again, rubbing and curling, and your breath picks up. You're not even working with him, just letting him rock you and build you up, and when the second one hits, you whine and tighten, but when you relax, god, it's even better than it was the first time.  
  
He's making these pleased, low sounds, and you let your eyes close, focusing on the way he's touching you and how good it's making you feel.  
  
At the third, your head starts to spin, and you kind of wonder if you're dreaming all of this.  
  
You try to ask him how he's doing this, what's going on, if he's even real, but you just end up with your mouth open, letting out pleasured cries as he moves.  
  
Again. And this isn't even-- How--  
  
You must've made some series of noises that tried to be words, because he stills abruptly with a needy warble. That is definitely hotter than you ever thought that sound would be.  
  
Upon opening your eyes, you find Strider with his sword to Gamzee's throat, and they're glaring each other down, and what the hell is even going on?  
  
As soon as you get enough breath, you demand an answer.  
  
"What the hell? Why'd… What're you even doing? Fuck's sake, that was so many kinds of awesome and you stopped it!"  
  
Dirk turns to you with one of the weirdest expressions you've ever seen. It looks like he's confused, embarrassed, and indignant.  
  
"Thought you were trying to say something and he wouldn't let you."  
  
"Oh my god, that's because I was too busy getting my brains fucked out to put together a coherent sentence! Do you even understand how this thing works!?"  
  
Maybe you're a little upset, or more than a little, but seriously! It was so good! And he just flounced in there with his stupid sword and his stupid protecting you stuff and it wasn't like you needed to say anything important. You were just wondering,  
  
"How can you even go that long?"  
  
Gamzee grins down at you, and it's only now that you notice how pained it is, like maybe he's wanted to come, too, and just hasn't.  
  
"Can't, sister. No nook action. This is all for you, now."  
  
You make a pretty intelligent sounding confused noise (you tell yourself), and Gamzee actually blushes a little. If that's what that purple flush on his cheeks is.  
  
"Can't release unless you touch my nook. S'okay. Just wanted to make you feel good."

It must be the influence of your mother, this game, and too much internet that allow you to understand what he's talking about. So slowly, because you're pretty damn sure you're right about this (you remember the purple stuff from earlier), but it's still a little weird, you work your hand between the two of you. He has to back up a bit to give you room, but you manage to squeeze between his legs and up, and when you curl your fingers, you hit soft, wet skin.  
  
Gamzee makes the most delicious keening noise you've ever heard, and you immediately press one finger inside him. He jerks and pushes down against you, and in that moment, you kind of wish you had a dick to fuck him with.  
  
Now there's an idea.  
  
Your head turns, and you grin.  
  
You might not have a dick, but you do have a Dirk. A Dirk who is definitely glaring back at you, pokerface barely hanging on.  
  
"No. Fuck, no. I am the babysitter. This is already weird enough."  
  
You roll your eyes and crook your finger, and Gamzee mewls.  
  
"But he's been so sweet! And so nice to me. And he's helped so, so much. Haven't you?" The last bit is directed at the troll on top of you, and he shudders when you stroke him harder, spine curving. "It would be a really nice thing to do! Fair being fair and stuff. Maybe downright gentlemanly! What do you say? Do you want Dirk to fuck you?"  
  
You can't help but giggle at your boldness, at Dirk's scandalized look, and at Gamzee's desperate-sounding whine, at the way he nods his head where it hangs low. You pet his hair gently, and he flicks his prehensile dick inside you, and you gasp.  
  
"Oh, come on. Come fuck the nice troll boy. You know you want to."  
  
Dirk stares you down for a whole minute, stares you down with breath coming faster while you finger Gamzee a little, while Gamzee chirps softly, and then his sword clatters to the ground so he can undo his jeans and tug them down with the most stern sex face you've ever seen. In response, you grin in victory, pulling your hand away and making Gamzee whimper. You shush him and coax him back down to you, moaning when he slides completely inside you again.  
  
When you meet Dirk's eyes over Gamzee's shoulder, he rolls them at you and shakes his head, like this whole thing is ridiculous and it's all your fault.  
  
You have no problem taking credit for this one, because Gamzee makes downright pornographic noises when Dirk fills him, keening and shivering, crying out at every thrust.  
  
There's so much running between your thighs you can't tell what's yours and what's his, but everything is wetwetwet, and Gamzee moves desperately and erratically inside you, breath hitching while Dirk takes him. He's nearly flat against you, and there's really nowhere you can arch when you orgasm again.  
  
He isn't far behind, hot breath against your neck and an ecstatic cry in your ear, and okay, you don't feel bad at all about bleeding on him, anymore, because he just came the fuck everywhere, and you're pretty sure there's more of him inside you than there is you, at this point.  
  
Dirk is last, and it's both strange and exciting to watch him when he comes, because that's more emotion than you ever see on his face at one time.  
  
And when you're all lying there, catching your breath (and appreciating the lessened cramping, on your part), the first person to break the silence is you.  
  
"Hey, look. No one died! Isn't that shocking!?"

You giggle helplessly at the way Dirk grumbles and shoves off you and Gamzee both with a rather disgusted look on his face, wiping purple and even traces of red off himself with your sheets before doing his pants back up. He kind of shifts around awkwardly for a moment like he doesn't know what to do, glancing between you and Gamzee where he's still collapsed on top of you, and you wave your hand at him.  
  
"Go on, I'll handle this."  
  
He pauses for a moment, his eagerness to get out of your room warring with his desire to protect you, but when all Gamzee does is make a quiet, snuffling sort of noise, Dirk sighs, captchaloguing his sword before giving you soft look, lips twitching upward the tiniest bit. He steps close and bends to kiss your forehead, and you're definitely never letting him forget that ever! He pats Gamzee on the head, stroking his hair, and Gamzee sighs and squirms some more, not moving even when the door shuts behind Dirk.  
  
"You okay?" You toy with one of his ears, rubbing it and fascinated with the way it's so soft and floppy. How very different from the rest of him.  
  
Gamzee groans and shifts enough to press a very sloppy kiss to your cheek, and his voice is rough in his throat. "Humans are motherfucking miracles."  
  
You giggle, and he gasps when you tighten around him, and you can feel the wet squelch between you.  
  
Ugh. You wonder if you can make Dirk clean it up.


End file.
